just the right dose of peachy

2012-01-20T14:00:00.004+08:00

"First they put away the dealers, then they put away the prostitutes, then they shoot away the bums and beat & bash the queers. They turned away the asylum seekers, fed us suspicions and fears, we didnt raise our voice, we didnt make a fuss; its funny, there was no one left to notice when they came for us." ~NOFX

2012-01-18T18:50:00.004+08:00

when i have a house, it will surely have these.

2011-11-09T08:28:00.001+08:00

Sometimes all it takes to get your head out of dangerous deep waters is a good step back.. which is why keeping little tokens or reminders for yourself every now and then is not such a bad idea.

Tomorrow's the day!

2011-11-02T13:00:00.001+08:00

People will be swarming at Starbucks again for that familiar red cup! I don't know about you but something about the drink does really make me all Chirstmas-y.:)

I better prepare my wallet for some burning.*o*

2011-10-30T08:38:00.006+08:00

The wonderful view at the Sirena clifftop restaurant in Shangri-La Boracay. Thanks dad and mom!:)

2011-10-26T09:00:00.032+08:00

I don't quite remember when or how it started. How change seems to fall into our laps ever so often now like the crisp brown leaves of an old tree brushing against the wind. It was several years back when i used to run around school in full uniform, with blisters on my knees and dirt on my cheeks; a few years ago when i had to wait anxiously at the hallway of the university for grades that did not mean as much as i thought they would. Then it was about 12 months past when i took the boards that entitled me to the word 'Engineer', which i have not--and in most probability--will never get use.

And here i am now, in an office desk among others, working in an industry i swore to myself countless of times that i'll never enter. Conversations with old friends revolve around the lines of the 'future' or how-things-have-changed or how people have. Somewhere in between I've resigned myself to the reality that contradictions are as familiar as any other circumstance i could stumble upon, that nostalgia gradually becomes a word used often at two in the morning as one gets older, and that working people are the hardest to get a hold of. and around those various realizations i have, by some means, forgotten what it was like to be amazed at how so many, many things are different now more than ever. That eager, restless emotion that i used to feel at the start of every school year has quickly turned into a quiet acceptance. The days and nights spent are segmented into trivial routines of this and that; into needs instead of wants or dreams.

It makes me wonder if anyone else feels the need to break free from this shell of conformity to the rules of society. to understand that money, or success do not mean much for a life unlived. and i am now resolved to find a balance in things. to recognize limits, and never cross unless there is a need to do so. to know the word 'enough' varies from people to people, but that it should be what it plainly is--sufficient, adequate, just right. Mostly, i just want to feel content with what i have at the end of the day. Honestly, simply, just content.

Wishful Wednesdays Halloween Edition

2011-10-19T09:05:00.003+08:00

Bonjour etranger! I'm back with another post of Wishful Wednesdays Halloween Edition! We don't celebrate it here as much as other countries, but it doesn't stop me from hoping we did! And yes, i should be coming up with a meaningful entry soon, but that is reserved for another day.:)

1. Pumpkin Spice Latte! Whenever i stumble i almost always see a review or recipe on how to make a Pumpkin Spice Latte. This calls for a good coffee shop hunt on the drink.

2. Who doesn't love Halloween inspired cupcakes? They're just so cute and yummy to look at!

3. If i had my own place, i'll make sure to put in some few Halloween decors, like this one below.

4. And lastly, Trick o' Treat! Barely experienced one when i was a kid, now i'm hoping i could accompany a young relative to share the goods with. haha!:)

Better overdue than never

2011-09-28T14:03:00.003+08:00

Bonjour etranger! it has been.. way too long since my last post and i wish i could say some reason other than the classic writer's block, but it was just so. i have actually been trying to write a story for a while now but when i reached the sixth page of the notebook, it wasn't there anymore: the inspiration, the drive, the story itself. You know what it's like when you're trying to memorize something and refuse to have anything else go to your mind other than the thing you memorized? well it was like that. i didn't want to write anything else for the fear of losing the flow of the story completely. i still don't have it back by the way. but i do hope i will one of these days.

And this here is my latest doodle. It's kind of like the frustration of my ideas all bundled up in a big piece of clothing.

It is pretty and cool to look at though.:)

Words from someone who knows what he's writing

2011-08-02T08:23:00.006+08:00

“There are only two worlds – your world, which is the real world, and other worlds, the fantasy. Worlds like this are worlds of the human imagination: their reality, or lack of reality, is not important. What is important is that they are there. these worlds provide an alternative. Provide an escape. Provide a threat. Provide a dream, and power; provide refuge, and pain. They give your world meaning. They do not exist; and thus they are all that matters.” ~Neil Gaiman, The Books of Magic

A few rules writers should know about..

2011-08-01T08:36:00.004+08:00

Have a good Monday everybody!:)

Here We Go - Mat Kearney & Counting The Stars - Augustana Doodles

2011-07-26T08:31:00.010+08:00

as promised on this post!

[Here We Go - Mat Kearney] A lot of things go through my mind when i hear this song. Mostly things in motion: the rows of streetlights going by, an old film reeling on a white backdrop, ferris wheels, bicycle wheels, you name it. I think it's because the song talks about the cycles of circumstance; how moments in life get repeated in a different year, or a different face. it's bittersweet: the hope that comes with second chances, or the fear of repeating past mistakes. it can go either way.

[Counting Stars - Augustana]

i can't get the colors right on the camera for the first drawing, and i'm too lazy to use the DSLR. so there. lol.

Have a Happy Tuesday everybody!:)

Mondays are for Music

2011-07-25T08:32:00.008+08:00

what usually keeps me sane through the week (other than massive amounts of food, sweets, and coffee) are my trusty headphones glued to my ears, and of course, the music that comes out of it. here are my current favorites for the past few days.

Mat Kearney - Here We Go, Breathe In Breathe Out, Never Be Ready

Anna Nalick - Breathe (2 am)

Bettie Serveert - Attagirl

Christ August - You Make Me Sing, Battle

Bright Eyes - At The Bottom Of Everything

i actually made a doodle about Mat Kearney's song, Here We Go (which i will post within the week since i was not able to take a picture of it). i think it's a good exercise for anyone who knows how to draw to incorporate a song into a sketch or any image that comes out of their minds while listening to the music. it's also good fun. :)

Of streetlights and stop signs

2011-07-21T13:08:00.011+08:00

maybe decisions would be easy to make had the road to the 'right choice' been illuminated like the warm yellow lamp posts of a seemingly endless highway. you know you're going somewhere, and most of all, you know how to go back.

2011-07-19T09:26:00.019+08:00

i've been giving it a thought, and finally decided to enable commenting on this blog for a while to see how it goes. ever since i switched from Xanga to Blogger, i decided to leave the comment part where my old blog was since only registered Xanga users were able to leave comments(in short, frustrated writers or writers or bloggers or whatever). and boy, did i enjoy my conversations with them. it rarely was about the praise (although i admit, one of the reasons i disabled blogspot comments was because of my dislike of unhealthy criticism or spam), it was about interaction. it's like having your very own twin because they strung thoughts where mine ended, and made beautiful short proses out of the blue. i discovered amazing writers there, made friends with a few. it was a big comfort knowing other people felt what i felt. and wrote in the same way. :)

below are several of those comments, i suggest visiting their sites as well. it always was a pleasure to read works from these lovely people.:)

from atsixesandsevens who has been for a very long time since i started blogging, one of my favorite bloggers. he's also leaves very beautiful comments (even now), all of which i loved and taken to heart. i imagine coffee+conversations with him would be pretty awesome. too bad he lives a thousand miles away.= |

"It's kind of like watching a cigarette get flicked from a car on the freeway;

A dazzle of sparks and ash for one brief, brilliant moment, and then nothing at all."

"I like it. Lumps in the throat and words not coming out and everything. Because I think most of the major realizations in our lives come out of moments like that."

"sometimes the simplest things, in the simplest ways, remind you to take a step back and appreciate this life and this world for
what it is. i really, really liked this. glad you made it
through finals. :)"

"i think it's much easier to feel alone than it is to realize
that people care for you.

it also makes for better writing."

"you can't imagine someone back to who they used to be.

that's what this makes me say, as i shake my head.

because it's such a familiar feeling."

from Perdedor

"Let's pretend we're not needy. Let's pretend our hearts still
beat.

Let's pretend we fall in love tonight, clumsy enough to fall for anything."

from lank-and-lost

"I don't know what comfort you can take from knowing you're not alone in your affliction, but most of my life I've felt the same way. I still do. It makes me wish I had something intelligent to say but I can't really answer the question for myself either.

Still, there are so many little things that keep me interested
that Even when I feel that constant lack of motivation holding myback to the wall like gravity, I feel contented to be living in
the moment even if I'm not going anywhere. I know I have to breakthe habit as I'm not entirely pleased with the reactionary way
I've been living or where it has got me.

If only I had a little push."

from isah

"sanity. what we all wish for, yet it seems so surreal. the temptation of being what we were

before lingers on.."

from degrees-of-sanity and life-complicated

it's a short post answering a question. might do this again one day. look it up here.

from amoensia

"a promise is real, the very exact moment it was made. one second after, it will vanish to therealm of memories. none of it will be real anymore. how ironic. because we tend to live and move on with the promises made and broken. convincing ourselves it WAS real."

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering." -Paulo Coelho

from tolv

"the stars can't be trusted."

***

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." ~Anaïs Nin

2011-07-18T08:26:00.027+08:00

bonjour etranger! it's Monday again and it means another week of work and more work for lots of people. and since i'm still not giving up on keeping this blog alive, i'll just post some of my doodles i've drawn for the past few weeks.

this doodle is actually a Neil Gaiman inspired drawing. i kind of remember his unkempt hair and how it still looks heavenly on him. good thing it looked good on this drawing too. the lettering here is more or less how Delirium's (from the Sandman series) conversation font is portrayed in the graphic novel, minus the crazy rainbow colors that is.

i use technical fineline pens for most of my doodles. i discovered them early in college during my graphing class when my brother suggested them to me. they're affordable unlike those bigtime sketching pens and they don't smear (which is like, an artist's worst nightmare). the best part is that they come in 6 different line widths, ranging from 0.05mm to 0.8mm. i use the 0.1mm and 0.3mm pens, i've yet to buy the 0.05mm mostly cause it's elusive. these pens are usually available at any National Bookstore branch.

i'll probably make a bigger version of the last one if i have the time.:) who knows, it might sell!

have a happy week ahead people!:)

Wishful Wednesdays Bedroom Edition

2011-07-06T08:48:00.008+08:00

Bonjour and welcome to Wishful Wednesdays Bedroom Edition! :)

one of the favourite things i like to do when i have loads of free time is designing my room. it started a few years back when i had this urge to paint the walls and my closet and doors. then came the trinkets: the wooden map box for my books, the blue lava lamp, the ceramic black convertible figurine, the plaster of paris venetian-like mask and so on. here are a few others i reaaally wish i could afford or find to put in my room.

1. Floor-to-ceiling bookshelf+Nook. i would never leave my room had i this in it.

2. This chic birdcage lamp would look great next to my bed.

3. Or to this bed! i love the details on this four poster bed. it makes me think of forests and birds and leaves and not getting up for work.=D

4. If i can't have the birdcage lamp i'll settle for this intricate white birdcage and put yellow christmas lights inside!

maybe i was an interior designer or something in my past life. :) happy Wednesday everyone!

2011-06-23T15:13:00.008+08:00

you know what goes well with rainy days other than delicious bittersweet hot coffee? a kick-ass playlist of songs to induce musings!

A Sorta Fairytale - Tori Amos

Wednesday - Tori Amos

Gold Dust - Tori Amos

For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep

The Blues - Switchfoot

Where I Stood - Missy Higgins

Ashes and Wine - A Fine Frenzy

Remembering Sunday - All Time Low

The Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata

Breathe Again - Sara Bareilles

23 - Jimmy Eat World

Half Life - Duncan Sheik

Light Years Away - MoZella

Lose You - Pete Yorn

New American Classic - Taking Back Sunday

Run - Snow Patrol

Twenty Years - Augustana

We Might Fall - Ryan Star

Yet - Switchfoot

enjoy. :)

Wishful Wednesdays

2011-06-22T08:54:00.017+08:00

we're always thinking it only happens in the books or in the glossy backdrop of a movie screen, or to someone who's a friend of a friend of our friends. we're always trying to compromise circumstance by justifying that there's going to be 'still some time left'. there's no need to rush--there's the next twenty-four hours right there, swiveling around the corner. or that there's about 2 short years to wait til' you stand up, pack your bags and really start living without the world dictating that it's better to be practical than to be idealistic. that it's the people who have a 3-months-worth-of-work of a handbag who are happier and content than those who are just simply happy, period. we're always thinking that bridges won't suddenly collapse under our feet, that the car will take us to the destination unscathed, or that we will keep waking up to a brand new day.. but it rarely is the case. we fail to realize how much of a fragile thing our lives really are.

and it's not just because i'm Wishful this Wednesday. it's probably one of the things people don't quite ask for but really need. it's something we all need.

time.

2011-06-16T09:54:00.011+08:00

YES! found a moleskine-like notebook that i can doodle on! it's also a LOT cheaper than the moleskine. bry, lets see who can fill up the pages first!:D

matt said i have too many dreams. which, he said is a good thing, rather than having none at all. i am seriously considering his suggestion about a travel blog. i feel it from the bottom of my heart that it's one of the things i'm definitely sure i want to do. i want to travel. i want to write and i want to draw and i want to make sense of the wonders of life in words, or in pictures.

Wishful Wednesdays

2011-06-15T07:48:00.009+08:00

it's Wednesday[again??] people! that means another installment of Wishful Wednesdays! *insert bubbly intro music here*

1. Red Velvet Cake! or just cake for that matter. They say Mary Grace's Velvet Cake is ♥. hmmm. i oughta buy some soon.

2. This riiing. The cut, the color, the vintage-y feel. I've always loved sea colored stones. they remind me so much of the beach.
3. This vintage sewing machine. i don't mind this taking up space in my room. more so if it comes with the innate talent of making clothes.

Have a happy Wednesday everyone!

2011-06-10T17:58:00.005+08:00

goodbyes seem to always leave a bitter taste in the mouth. it's like all the million things people should've said before the parting get jumbled up and rolled around on the tongue in an undesirable manner. and most of the words don't come out right, or they don't come out at all.:(

2011-06-09T08:07:00.006+08:00

Hello, Thoughtful Thursdays.

there's something about the color of the skies. something about the damp sting of the cold summer air. it's the way the road looks after it's been drenched with the rain. or the faint glow of the lamp posts against the grey of the buildings and the cars revving by. it makes me remember things buried in between the pages of tattered notebooks and paper napkins. there used to be piles of those leaves strewn carelessly in my room. the sketches, phrases, sentences. words used to come so easily when it rains.

Wishful Wednesdays

2011-06-08T09:33:00.011+08:00

bonjour entranger! this is the first series of [hopefully] many Wishful Wednesdays where i share random stuff i'd love to have at the moment, or i have been wanting to have for a long looong time. so for this particular rainy-gray-cloud-Wednesday, i've been wishing to have..

some piping hot, bittersweet, creamy coffee! preferably the Hazelnut coffee of Bag of Beans, especially on days like these. i honestly believe coffee was invented for the rainy season. they just compliment each other like sunny days and lemonade, or a good playlist and road trips. you get the idea.

and it wouldn't hurt to have coffee in a place like this.

give me some paper and pen and i'm already good to go.:)

2011-06-06T11:01:00.010+08:00

there's nothing like a complete Sunday rest with the whole family to rejuvenate the mind and soul.♥ i also miss my violin-in-the-morning-go-to-antique-stores-and-discover-cool-stuff-in-the-afternoon Saturdays. plus i miss spare time on weekdays that i spend with friends. in short, i'm missing a lot of stuff right now. buuuut, i know my hectic days will be over as soon as this project is done. yay!

so i was raving about the apps of my LG phone at one time. and here's a late discovery of 2 other camera apps for your Andoid phone:

Camera360 App. this has some effects that are non-existent with the Vignette Demo camera app. I like the warm tones of their effects because its easy on the eyes and it gives off this sunny-happy feeling.

roidizer App. honestly, there are other camera apps with better effects than this app. but this one can put labels (with some choices for fonts) on your shots! and the polaroid fan that i am can't help but allot some few megabytes of memory for this baby. so there.:)

you can check out other apps here. have happy Monday everyone!

2011-06-01T07:02:00.003+08:00

and despite the stress of work, i can still say that i can smile and be giddy on simple things like opening up my lunch bag and finding out my father asked the kasambahay to include 1 Starbucks brownie and pandesal with my lunch, and my mother urging me to bring the Lord Stow's cookie brittle(or whatever you call it) even though it's her favorite. i ♥ them both!!!!:)

2011-05-26T08:50:00.019+08:00

quote time!

"Music is a total constant. That’s why we have such a strong visceral connection to it, you know? Because a song can take you back instantly to a moment, or a place, or even a person. No matter what else has changed in your or the world, that one song says the same, just like that moment." ~Sarah Dessen

2011-05-20T08:05:00.003+08:00

we all wear our anxieties oh so well.

2011-05-19T07:07:00.004+08:00

found and instantly fell in love with it ! now if only i have the money..

2011-05-18T08:40:00.005+08:00

these pictures made my morning. hohoho!

last picture FTW! you can see the rest here.

2011-05-17T08:03:00.006+08:00

why i ♥ my Android LG p500(yes, it is yet, another list):

Upgradable OS = added features
The Android Market. need i say more?
Themes! Which is one of the factors i look into when buying a phone
Widgets. Just like the ones on your computer desktop. how cool is that?!
The Advanced Task Killer App. die unused apps, die!
The Bloggeroid App which instantly connects me here to my site
The StumbleUpon App. if other people Tweet, i Stumble.
The Vignette Demo Camera App. a must-have for any Android phone and picture enthusiast
The Pokedroid App. A Pokedex in your very own phone. No, i'm not kidding.
ROM Emulator App. Pokedex + Emulator = Pokemon til the wee hours of the morning.

the picture above is an easy DIY vertical garland for your curtains that i did in about less than an hour (blame it on the surge of creativity and me missing designing my room). all you need is some string, scissors, cardboard paper with your color of choice and scotch tape. have a great Tuesday ahead people!

2011-05-16T08:34:00.011+08:00

working for 8 days straight and counting. breaks consist of coffee, massive amounts of junk food and bread and cake, new songs on my playlist, and my mind going off to goodness-knows-where. will be updating this post with rad songs i've been currently listening to later. Gotta have my coffee to perk me up now!

so what goes well with coffee, you ask? Macaroons! Sugar-filled, buttery, coconut filled Macaroons! Goldilocks' Butter Macaroons still taste the same from how i remember them many years ago, which is a very good thing because these are crazy yummy.

And here's the song list, as promised:

A Fine Frenzy - Borrowed Time
Adrianne - 10,000 Stones
Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts
Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am
Matt Wertz - 519
Natalie Imbruglia - Shiver
Sara Bareilles - Gravity
Secondhand Serenade - Something More
Tyrone Wells - Sea Breeze
Howie Day -Weightless

I miss Xanga's Currently Listeing To/Reading headers, complete with the album art or the book cover. i wish Blogger would provide gadgets like those so i could flood this blog with books and music like a mad person.

2011-05-15T14:46:00.005+08:00

since i'm at work (and it's a Sunday. a S-U-N-D-A-Y), i figured the fastest way to post something interesting is to post pictures which are taken from my phone.

DSLRs aren't the only cameras that can take neat pictures yo'!<3

2011-05-09T18:41:00.008+08:00

the thing about circumstances is, people always have to make sense of it. they go for the long, straining process of dissecting sentences, of glances, of the silence, of the reason for the sudden change of tides because they fear the short, simple task of asking. because that simplicity in itself is what's terrifying--when layers and layers of conjectures, of thoughts and questions are abruptly stripped and rendered useless. it's like driving a hundred miles an hour without brakes or seatbelts on; there's no safety, nothing to stifle the inevitable impact of grasping the truth in all its aching glory. and like all accidents, like car crashes, not everyone makes it out in one piece.

2011-04-22T11:16:00.022+08:00

pictures, and pictures of my prized possessions! before i get back into writing or doing homework for my violin lesson for tomorrow.

my "baul" of books. lying on the floor are newly brought ones from last week's book sale. as you can see, i have no more space to put my new stuff. sob.

my not-yet-used polaroid! i'm still hoping and praying they start manufacturing the films again so i could use this one day. pleaaaaseee Polaroid, pleeaaaaaaaaaaaseeee bring those films back!

my violin, Lestat (thank you Eltz!!!) the first violin i had was named Stefan. both of which are names from Anne Rice's works.

and my room!=]

i miss bum days like these.>:D

2011-04-20T08:37:00.006+08:00

for the few days ahead.

au revoir!:)

2011-04-13T08:31:00.007+08:00

so this.. this is what you call being at the right place, at the right time. aka a lucky shot.

and then some..

kids are fun to capture, they don't care if they look silly or carefree so long as they're having fun.:)

2011-04-12T09:02:00.013+08:00

Incorporating the word phones into a poem..

[8:53am]

i'm starting to think,

that phones are lifelines

mapped under our feet,

and over concrete electric posts.

like a web sprawling

ceaselessly,

for another end to hold itself onto.

and this pattern of numbers,
of 8s, 2s and 3s
paves the difficult route
to a familiar voice
a laugh,
miles away yet close enough
to reverberate echoes at 2am,
of the Hows, Whys, and What Ifs.

there'll always be things we wonder about at the dead of the night.

***

side note: the 8s 2s and 3s were part of our house's old phone number. i decided to use it here cause it just fits the poem perfectly like an old pair of cherished gloves. writing's amusing that way.:)

2011-04-03T15:33:00.008+08:00

i've been trying my hands on photography for a little while now. i think it's important for a writer (or a frustrated writer) to know a thing or two about photography.. all because there are times where words do not suffice to describe a moment or fully capture its essence, like a picture can.

and yes i know, i need a lot more practice before i get the hang of it. but until then, wait and enjoy!

2011-04-01T07:59:00.006+08:00

"It’s not so much that we’re afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it’s that place in between that we fear. It’s like being between trapezes. It’s Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There’s nothing to hold on to." ~Marilyn Ferguson

2011-03-29T21:58:00.017+08:00

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant, filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like." ~Lemony Snicket

2011-03-18T23:47:00.006+08:00

what else do we have, if not hope?

like how people involuntarily cast their eyes to the sky when the sun breaks through the gray of the storm. like lamp posts guiding restless souls in the gloom of the night to a somewhere, anywhere. like dreaming, where we allow most of what we could not once our eyes open to the waking of a new day. like the simple belief that everything--absolutely everything--will carry on to be yesterdays and then yesteryears. and no matter how much we insist that that piercing ache, or that feeling of demise is something we're not going to live through, we do live through it. if the world won't stop for bliss, then it sure wouldn't stop for a tragedy. /willtrytoedit

2011-02-18T07:52:00.005+08:00

maybe there is no such thing as growth, not figuratively or in an idealistic sense anyway. we think we're all learning to decipher between the lines and periods of sentences spoken, or even the deafening lack of it. the things we swore under exasperated breaths to never repeat, to never relive, suddenly arrive at the foot of our doors in the form of another year, another name, another split second of our dearly guarded walls crumbling down.

maybe all we have is a whirling cycle of circumstance, or tornado if you please. it begins in the calm of a sunny day being enveloped by a mass of gray imposing clouds; then the arrival of the storm over the horizon and its cruel descent on our lives. the catastrophe left of its passing--the helplessness and despair that soon follows after. and then a moment of acceptance, resignation and understanding.. getting off of our knees buried deeply on the ground and cleaning up the mess--salvaging what is left of the crushed and broken, if there is any at all.

/will edit more

2011-02-17T09:06:00.004+08:00

lack of update(and words and thoughts and whatnot) due to tracing 100k+++++ lines of code with reporting by next week's Tuesday. so here's a neat photo i found on the net that would pretty much explain what i'm feeling at the moment.

2011-02-04T07:27:00.004+08:00

i miss being at a concert; i miss feeling that nothing mattered when you were at one except the music. there is no tomorrow, no yesterday, no years ago or the years that will be--only right now. everywhere you look you could see it in people's faces: they're all waiting for the next song, the next rhythm, the next strum of the guitar, the soft tapping of piano keys, or the clang of the drumsticks like one waits for love or some other amazing emotion that gives them butterflies in their stomachs. and you realize, right then and there out of the thousands of people you've never seen your whole life, that you all have and share something in common--this night is something you're never ever going to forget.

2011-02-01T21:45:00.005+08:00

there is no consistency in death, no comparison; for the grief spent on a soul lost is never the same as the other.. and so it is with life, that its birth always brings in itself another form of joy--a new reason why the world should celebrate.

2011-01-07T22:20:00.008+08:00

i want to start this year right.

and that, for one means, writingslashpostingonblogs often. i will try to make it as substantial (or interesting) as possible, for thoughts like anything else, should not be used in excess of what is otherwise needed or asked.

so here's an awesome concept for an exhibit or maybe a cafe: walls super-glued with tons of manuscripts!!

i do feel awfully sorry for the books, though; but it is better this than the dump (which these babies would probably be in, if not plastered in these walls).

* * *

i see black coats, hear the
noise of heels against the rough pavement
empty stares, empty conversations
of how doomed the world is,
or theirs for that matter.
i see glances of people
passing by.
none of them honest,
not even mine.

dated 12jan2010

2010-12-30T19:22:00.004+08:00

so before the year ends, here's a post (which as you would prolly notice, is kinda overdue and messy):

it feels like an ending. an ending the same as that of any year when nights stretch longer than the days and the cold becomes a familiar companion in the waking hours of morning and late afternoons. it's the same christmas tree and all its blinding lights. the same smell of peppermint and coffee coming together in a dance of sort; even the sight of gift wrappers bring nostalgia of years i can barely remember, and suddenly i find myself missing the shiny foil wrappers and the smell that wafts through the air when the presents are undone. yet amidst all the comfort of familiarity, i have never felt it so different--i've never felt so out of place.

and maybe it is supposed to be like this: life changing moments are there not because it's cruelly inevitable, but because life gives us another reason to change or become anew. the forks in the road are merely paths we haven't seen before but have always been there, and always will be, so long as we are breathing. then all the sweet detours, the last second u-turns, the unanticipated roadblocks, the needed pit stops, the humble yields, and everything in between the cracks and gutters of the road will make the destination for us. and it would all be worth it--more than worth it, in the end.

2010-12-19T21:55:00.002+08:00

if i let it sink, i will with all certainty, drown in it.

lord knows when or how i will be able to recover from that.

2010-12-03T20:09:00.005+08:00

HOPE.

2010-10-25T21:07:00.009+08:00

the best way to get my mind off the all the formulas, the concepts, all the terms that are jumbled up one on top of the other, and the anxiety that comes with knowing that the biggest exam of my life is just a month away.. is a very quick, One Tree Hill re-run of my favorite episodes and moments. seriously, no other teen drama can ever come even one-strand-of-hair-close to this one. well, 1 up to season 6 anyway.

a few minutes ago, i tried this tumblr thing where you put a line from a song, or a book, or wherever, and put it in a picture that depicts the entire feeling of that line. some really hit you right smack in the middle--i've seen lots of those on Xanga. mine below is just a futile attempt, but it's very close to explaining what i feel as of this moment, and of the past few weeks. writing would have to wait until after board exams so, wish and pray for us the very best of luck, stranger. au revoir.

"People are going to disappoint you, i get that.. i kind of expect that. but i don't know, what if you wake up one day and you realize you're the disappointment?" - OTH

2010-10-08T21:13:00.012+08:00

so here's some randomness..

Cafe Noriter. it's this korean coffee place just across DLSU-M. a good place to induce some imagination or catch up with friends or some zzz's, but not so much of productivity in terms of studying--it's too noisy most of the time due to it's popularity with the folks.

the most awaited Book Fair that happens every month of September! i could just live in this place.

i'll buy these babies when i get myself some work!

and yes, maybe some books that i could use with my profession. ugh.

my family's favorite hainanese chicken is just at EGI building next to DLSU-M! the restaurant is called Value Foods. you can tell that the owner, Mr. Tan is very passionate about the food and seeing people's satisfied faces and stomachs. so much so that he even gave us a free sushi platter for my mother's birthday. neat!

i spent my 22nd birthday with my family and we ate at Outback and had our desserts at this place called Chocolate Fire Cafe in Makati. they had a crazy selection of chocolates, with crazy prices! it's a good try nevertheless.

and last but not least..

some drama. lol.

2010-09-26T20:09:00.004+08:00

there is something achingly beautiful about things that are fleeting. they don't rust, wither, or die away--they don't change because you never get to see them when they do. they just exist in that moment. in that second of a minute in a lifetime, our eyes and hearts try to hold on to every single intricate thing possible--the colors, the words and sentences, the music playing in the background, that unmistakable feeling in our gut. we hold on to these like the pictures we keep hidden in the boxes of our memories.

2010-09-24T19:52:00.001+08:00

"i stand to lose if i expect anything else." - The Noises 10

2010-09-02T21:32:00.007+08:00

so here's the deal..

building a mosque near the vicinity of the 9-11 tragedy is like giving a bike to a person who recently just lost both his legs. It's insensitive, to put it mildly. I'm not implying that they have no right to build, but they shouldn't be naive as to think no one would seriously get offended by this.

and yes, i know, this post is way overdue. but i just had to let that one out. now i can sleep like a log. au revoir!

2010-07-17T17:57:00.002+08:00

a big ego boost but nevertheless, just a neat writing analyzer

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

2010-07-13T21:09:00.001+08:00

oh hello there, rain.

2010-07-05T13:37:00.008+08:00

WTFH??!! The Last Airbender is only 8% in rottentomatoes?? Shyamalan just crushed, smashed, and beat to a pulp millions of children's (and some old people's) dreams and expectations about that popular cartoon in Nickelodeon including mine. I'd blood bend him until i'm satisfied if i had the chance!! (given i already have the ability) Gah.

Well at least there's still Harry Potter... which is four months away. Sigh.

Forgive the rant. I've had the sniffles for days now and it's not getting better cause of the weird weather. Pffht.

2010-07-05T10:16:00.009+08:00

Could the weather get any more indecisive than this? It's sunny one second and rainy the next and it repeats throughout the day. Ugh.

So these are cool stuff i saw on the internet. I don't own them, mind you.

2010-06-24T20:24:00.006+08:00

we all wish our lives were intertwined chaotically like an unused yarn ball. we all turn our backs and thoughts on parting ways, or refuse to face it head-on. but it happens all around us like time takes an unprecedented toll on people's hearts and dreams. sometimes it's as slow as a single yarn being unfurled carefully out of the mess and maze of the ball. and then there are unexpected times that it's as fast and harsh as being snipped off the whole thing.

"I forgot to remember to forget"

2010-06-22T19:07:00.004+08:00

wrote this a few days back on a scrap of paper and found it squished with my review (ugh) papers. the months-long (or was it year-long?) hiatus on writingslashblogging has taken a massive toll on my grammar and vocabulary. it's gonna take a lot to bring the old habit back but i'll try my hardest. even if no one visits this site anymore. *3*

the reflection is barely visible in the rain drenched concrete road yet i recognize it like a dear old friend from a yearbook of several summers past. i wonder if people ever notice it--notice themselves staring back, illuminated faintly by the streetlights and shops that are never open to anyone's heart. wonder if they wish silently to themselves to be on the other side of things where regret was just another unfamiliar word found in tattered books and songs. but time isn't made for wondering aimlessly into forever or the end, eyes weren't meant to look down or back for long, and like the rain that dries up into nothingness, so do the musings.

2010-06-21T12:15:00.007+08:00

We are but different pieces of shattered glass that never reflect the same thing.

2010-06-07T13:04:00.009+08:00

Digging up a long forgotten song, and hearing it after so many years feels just like finding a part of yourself stuck somewhere in between the nostalgic old melody and phrases--something I never thought I'd be able to relive again.

Cheers to you, Travis.

2010-03-14T11:40:00.005+08:00

What i love about Sundays is..

the complete, utter lack of the need to do something.. Sunny, quiet skies with the occasional sound of giant metal birds slicing through the air make for a perfect day of being a lazy bum. If only it weren't so damn hot it'd be paradise.

2010-03-13T16:36:00.001+08:00

It used to be so easy. It was easy to just tap out the letters, see them form into words--into meaningful sentences.

It seems as if age has its way of putting us in a silent resignation. Like the words on the pages of an old book seem to wither and disappear with each falling grain of time. I still wonder when or where it started to manifest, this difficulty to write what i mean and mean what i write. Did it leave me that night? those nights? is there any way to bring it back again?

2009-11-28T22:31:00.004+08:00

Well this is kinda sad.

old blogs i used to faithfully follow a few years before have disappeared, or avast! won't let me visit them. pfft.

it's like a depressing trend, kids who used to write with such eloquence and passion that you'd think they'd be making novels given a few years suddenly vanish into thin wispy smoke of work or play or lack of words thereof. maybe we are getting old. maybe this is what maturity does to people, it makes it difficult to talk about anything and everything.

i refuse to be an example, at least not without fighting. so i'm back from a long hiatus.

but i'm doing baby steps first. baby steps.

2009-11-27T23:46:00.001+08:00

I will be trying to write again. take note: try.

it's easier said than written.

2009-09-22T21:04:00.003+08:00

In the hopes of winning that Neil Gaiman book from Avalon.ph [oh please oh please pick me!]:

Ten years ago i was everything: i was bold, i was reckless, i was strong, i ruled the world--i ruled MY world, i was happy with anything, and got hurt about nothing but getting my ankles bruised, or my candies being stolen away from me (or from cavities), or from losing a game. i was curious, i wasn't skeptical or pessimistic--i never knew what it meant back then, i believed, and boy, did i believe in everything and anything. life was an adventure: from waking up in the morning, from discovering what i'll have for breakfast, for lunch, for dinner or the mid meal snacks, adventure was running around and imagining i was a cop, a robber, or a pirate, or a scientist. Adventure was going to a place i've never been to--be it a park, a mall or just a house--even an empty lot. Ten years ago, i was a kid. and most of the kids in us died because we refused to save them.

[for those who want to try their luck i can't be selfish so here: http://blog.avalon.ph/2009/08/win-a-signed-copy-of-adventures-in-the-dream-trade-by-neil-gaiman/#respond]

2009-03-21T23:57:00.010+08:00

For INTPHIL//

in the sudden coldness of this summer evening. in the black hole of loneliness that ever pulls us under in the sight of dark clouds engulfing the light from shedding its hope and warmth. in this room, i try to make use of this feeling-- try to capture it and mold it into letters that transforms into names of you and me, commas for phrases that discern a single feeling into hundreds of metaphors, or periods that end something more than thought of words, like it finishes a firm decision of No or Yes.

and this have always been, and will forever be, my drug. here again i let fingers to push the plastic keys of letters in the hopes of making something beautiful. even in the absence of music, even if these plastic keys don't emit the dynamic notes of do re mi like the piano, this is still beauty. there is still beauty.

my cousin died last saturday. she was pretty like a model, young, and she was in training to be a makeup artist in this high-end makeup cosmetics company. i was surprised and sad when mother broke us the news. surprised because she was young, and there was so much in her life to look forward to in her age. i think, even if i have lived for a hundred years, there would still be many things to look forward to. and sad, because the world did not even know this. my family did not notice it, there was no empathetic hunch of an invisible thread in our bloodline being viciously snapped apart. there were no moving mountains, no sudden thunderstorms or hail falling out of a summer sky, the world did not care.

and here i remember that blue guy in that movie about masked heroes with personal issues. heard his existensial views and his musings that 'life is a highly overrated phenomenon', and that 'even if this world would die, the universe would not even notice.' and i guess i understood what he meant by that. understood how our lives would seem so miniscule compared to the galaxies and stars that ever shift through time. and i remember Rorschach, how influenced he was about Nietzsche's view, that his words bring a certain chill to my heart,

"Stood in firelight, sweltering. Bloodstain on chest like map of violent new continent. Felt cleansed. Felt dark planet turn under my feet and knew what cats know that makes them scream like babies in night. Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever and we are alone. Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hell-bound as ourselves, go into oblivion. There is nothing else. Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us. Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world. Was Rorschach."

it's not the chill of hearing a crazy man mumble words of our nothingness, or the absence of God. it's not the kind you feel because of disbelief that some crazy guy who is actually a hero, thinks like this. it's the kind that's there because you know, even if you try to deny it, that deep down in your guts you feel that he is undeniably right. and in that kind mentality, in knowing there is no Greater Power, Rorschach knew he was the only one defining his own moral thought and integrity--without religion, or bias, without compromise. his salvation was in his own hands and he knew this without fail. and this made him strong, but at the same time, this was the reason why he needed to die in the end.

so you may know now why this kind of notion isn't as accepted by the masses as it should be. Existentialists, or to be more specific, Nihilists, embrace the fact of the emptiness of life, the lack of meaning to our routines that most of us believe, defines who we are. it's kind of funny because Fight Club's Tyler Durden also had some of these views. and people are drawn to these figures because of their powerful presence and conviction.

and maybe the darkness of life isn't for everyone to accept. maybe it's better to think there is more to this. more to death. more to everysinglething that we are going through if we just give meaning to it. not the kind of meaning you get when you own a bag worth more than your semi-annual salary combined, or the kind of self-worth you get when you know that you have a better job than other people. true meaning is something that you don't search for in your CGPA, or the number of cars you own, how many times you go to Starbucks in a week, or all of those consumerism nonsense. meaning is the way you feel when you see the sky, and you cringe because you can see the majesty of it all, including yourself and the people around you. meaning is understanding that everyday is a new chance to make something beautiful and worthwhile. this is real meaning, and life is man's never-ending journey in search of that meaning.

2009-01-16T20:24:00.008+08:00

For INTPHIL purposes:

If there were stories of sort that i would probably believe more than anything else of how everything came to be. how the world has its own wonders and myths and legends and facts. how religion divides us into different, rough, and stubborn bricks, but binds us like concrete on a thing called belief. or how God is how we perceive Him, or them to be. Then maybe i would turn to Neil Gaiman, and sit and talk to him about The Sandman.

The Sandman is a graphical novel known for its dark humor, witty satires and familiar characters of the ancient and present realm--heroes or villains, you decide. The best way to elucidate the Sandman is to describe his family. Which i will do so in the best of my ability.

The Sandman, or Morpheus, or Orpheus or Dream, as you might have gotten an idea by now, is the ruler of the Dreaming. He governs the realm and possesses the power to shape our dreams as he sees fit. He is a tall, white skinned and black-haired fellow, with eyes like stars on a pool of darkest black. He is moody, serious, full of pride, yet possesses the knowledge and wit of someone who has lived for billions of years. He is the main character and the third oldest of a family of seven. Their family is named in the story as The Endless.

Destruction, described the Endless in The Sandman (vol. 2) # 48:
"The Endless are merely patterns. The Endless are ideas. The Endless are wave functions. The Endless are repeating motifs. The Endless are echoes of darkness, and nothing more... And even our existences are brief and bounded. None of us will last longer than this version of the Universe."

The Endless came to be in the succeeding order: Destiny, Death, Dream, Destruction, Desire, Desire, Delirium. They have their own realms which they reign supreme as with Dream. Their names embody their responsibilities and functions, which they follow through religiously. But as with families, others are more dedicated with their tasks, and some are known to play games--mainly Desire.

As one finishes the graphic novel, one is only given but a few subtle hints as to why exactly the Endless exists. They have been best described as "creations of the consciousness of living beings". (Jimenez, Phil (2008), "Endless, The", in Dougall, Alastair, The DC Comics Encyclopedia, New York: Dorling Kindersley, pp. 115, ISBN 0-7566-4119-5, OCLC 213309017) They're a lot older that gods, fairyfolk, and other supernatural beings. They have manifested themselves long before the creation of earth.

If i were to be asked, what other story i would like to believe about God, religion and the world, then this is as close to the story as i could get. The whole point of the existence of the Endless lie solely in the consciousness of beings, how they think, believe and perceive things to be. The Endless are neither gods (maybe more powerful than gods if i may say) nor humans--they are powerless if living beings do not exist. They will cease to exist when the last living thing on the Universe will die.

As my thoughts on the world, i think it is just what it all of us see it to be, a massive rock of life teeming with stories, imaginations and beliefs of sort. as my thoughts would roll on the possibilities of religion and God would go, then i think i explained the part of The Sandman well enough.

2008-08-19T17:08:00.003+08:00

oh hello there.

well as you can see, i barely write nowadays. barely, meaning i still do, and i probably always will. even in scratch papers, paper napkins or just plain space. i still have the words, the feeling--especially that--and i still have the urge to put it down. or at least for now, the effort to try and form better sentences or punchlines to further explain love, happiness, despair, hope, fear and all those emotions that come ever so often still hasn't gone away. it's always nice to hear people say, "hey, that's exactly what i feel too," like you've grasped a fleeting moment from their lives and made it clear, in beautiful plain text.

so keep checking back here, whoever you are.

2008-07-22T18:24:00.004+08:00

In my pursuit to write,

between projects and exams and meetings and half hour of sleep and daydreams. between you and everybody else. between me and this computer screen and between slivers of thoughts, ideas, musings that i can't seem to grasp when the days clog of things that don't hold much value than a quarter and a dime. between attempts, failures, or the stillness of life,

this is something i won't forget to do.

write.

2008-05-30T21:40:00.002+08:00

sitting with my back against the sofa and my eyes squinted on the light. i wait for time to creep from behind as i looked back on the familiar chaos of this certain week of this certain year. missing faces, summer heat, scattered rain, responsibilities, thesis topics, old friends, new acquaintances, sickness, love, fear and more nouns and adjectives to describe how it would feel again and how it would be for some time. the rush of the unknown and what's beyond as i try to make sense of it again, in words and phrases that mean less of what it is when i look at it with my eyes wide open and my heart on my sleeve.

there will be chances and the road is forked furiously into many directions. and there will be something that would weigh more in our hearts and there will be things we wouldn't bother battling our eyes on. there would be shortcomings and apologies, the promises to learn more and be better. there would be regret, or maybe the contenment of the things that had come to pass. there would be a lot of things to say, a lot of stories that will unfold and a lot of times we'll talk about it with bottles in our hands at two in the morning and youth on our side. there would be you and me and other people thinking "it's never gonna get any better than this."

and they'll be insanely right about that.

2008-05-15T21:29:00.004+08:00

summer class is always a pain in the ass, no matter what subject you take it's all the same. Thank God it's over!

***

i'm a kid, but that's not all i am.

they say time weaves anyone into inevitable maturity. the way people went from Speed Racer to Prison Break, or Barbies to Gossip Girl. the way people refrain from saying unecessary things, or do unecessary stuff for fear of statements like, "man, you're too old to do that." or "how old are you anyway? that's kid stuff." and we let these things get to us, as if happiness depends on the sharp knife of words that people let go of carelessly.

then there are moments when we look up to the sky and say, "i miss being a kid." and i wonder what is it that robbed us of our luxury in being one, if there ever was such in the first place. was it the lost of innocence? or the bitterness of memories that we couldn't let go of? or is it the immature fear of looking uncool or stupid?

there are probably many conjured explanations or excuses out there, believable or otherwise as it may be. but i don't think it's wrong having a piece of youth in our hearts. and maybe that's what grown-ups lack or that's what most people lack--the sense of freedom and courage to say what's in their mind without any hint of hesitation in their voices, the carefree attutide to laugh out loud or just be like a plain old kid. i think there's real happiness there, and i wouldn't want any less of that.

2008-05-09T20:10:00.002+08:00

ever get those hangovers from oneofthosedays days?

let me rephrase that: is there even supposed to be a hangover? nah, didn't think so.

i think i need chocolate. or Nerds. or whatever. maybe something else. maybe someone.<3

2008-05-08T21:20:00.004+08:00

it's the first time it rained here for quite some time now. it never ceases to amaze me how much the weather reflects the feelings of one's heart, or many for that matter. like the wave of emotion it pulls from the cold depths of memories merging with the drops that fall down to the concrete earth, they become ripples that collapse and disappear into the darkness.

mother is in the hospital right now, it's nothing of grave but father's coldness tonight makes it hard not to feel the least bit uptight or miserable. the air is so thick here, and it's getting hard to breathe.

ps. desole.

2008-04-26T19:36:00.010+08:00

I SEE IT AS ICE COLD TALL CARAMEL MACCHIATO, THEY SEE IT AS FOOD FOR A WEEK

disclaimer: no, i haven't had one of those drinks recently. i just can't think of any other good comparison that people could relate to.

my professor in RELSFOR [yeah, that subject] said that people wouldn't lay a finger in any issue unless they are directly affected by it.

and i think yeah, people sympathize and shake their heads in dismay and it ends with just that. no further action, just plain old sympathy.

"Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world as seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch in my brain."

i'm not being a superhero advocating sustainable projects for the poor and the needy. i've got to have bundles of cash to do that. well, 70% of the population might think i do but i can't feed them all, can i? so it starts with little things.

like giving extra coins to that old lady sitting on the street barely able to lift her hand. i don't believe in giving coins to kids who just ask for it though. call it self-righteousness but i don't want to breed kids who don't know what working hard for money really is.

or maybe you could even give food. leftovers, snacks or even a full meal it doesn't really matter cause for them, food is food. period. honestly, most of the time it's better than giving money.

overall, apathy and lack of awareness are the real issues. i mean, people are panicking from all over the world cause the effects of global warming are becoming evident by the second. haven't we had warnings from about three years back that this would happen? and what? people are so focused on juicy gossips about it girl for the month. pfht.

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."

2008-04-20T19:23:00.004+08:00

so this is the usual after-finals-slash-term-entry.

i could finally feel the summer coming in now, with its waves of sunlight and light blue skies. i could smell it in the air, like the unbelievable dry heat of late mornings and early afternoon hours. i could taste it from the ice cold milk teas i buy every now and then, hear it from people talking about roadtrips and getaways to somewhere entirely new and refreshing. somewhere better than last year of big adventures or many years ago of first loves and heartbreaks.

and as i see it from their eyes sparkling with excitement of memories they'll never forget, i remember mine of three months back and i begin to smile. for it was then i realized that i have been given circumstances which made me believe in a profound thing called fate. there have been obstacles that i fought and conquered for there were people who reminded me to never give up. and though there were times of hurt and doubt, i feel the love emanating more than i could ever imagine. there was you, and friends and family and a higher being i could only assume to be God who were guiding me step by step. there were plenty of reasons for me to smile and not a single one for me to even feel despair. there was life in full abundance.

so this is actually a tribute to unbelievable happiness and future memories. this is me telling you that i'm thankful, grateful and blessed to have you--each and everyone of you--in my life.<3

2008-03-20T17:29:00.005+08:00

A tribute to beautiful churches and structures that i came to see with my family's Bisita Inglesia.

i'm no professional photographer so forgive the improper lightings. it's still a beautiful sight nevertheless.

2008-03-17T09:14:00.005+08:00

they say i've changed.

i think i just grew up.

p.s. for those who believed in the platform, for those who took their time to be practical and mature in choosing what they want to see--whether or not you voted for or against the party, for those who never forgot their integrity amidst every pressing temptation to put it aside, and for those who will continue to support the revolution, THANK YOU.

2008-03-01T21:58:00.006+08:00

I realized then, as i made my way past the buldings of the university through the field and saw the people dragging the white tables and chairs to the green grass for some big event that it's almost been probably a year from that same night. the night when the middle-aged, the white haired, the barely-walking people who used to call this place their second home gather again to remember distant memories of once-upon-a-time, of lost or true love, failures and redemption, of days spent will less care of what the real world had to offer, of the undeniable company of real friends. when what we felt then were easier to shout out to everybody else because we were young and crazy and wishful. because we didn't give a hell with whether the world was on our side or not.

and there were certain moments in time that i could still remember to the last word of a last decent conversation. there were days that felt it was another life i was living, or a vivid dream i was watching on replay through closed eyes. and it made me smile and it made me thankful that i'm not as bitter or as cynical with the world or circumstance as i used to be--that i got over things i used to think i'd resent for the rest of my life. i was immature and i was blind and 'the rest of my life' meant three hundred sixty five days; and i should have known better than to think so, for a lifetime itself is too long not to put aside a happy memory or a painful experience in the recesses of my heart.

and i guess these are the memories i'll remember five or ten years from now when i walk through these halls again. that i lost my way a lot of times and met people who paved the way for a while. that i found myself in the most unexpected of circumstances and learned through the pain and the belief that there is something better out there. that there were chances and choices given to me by a Higher Being. that there are people in my life right now that i would be always, always thankful for.

2008-02-29T12:41:00.005+08:00

yeah, i get that feeling a lot nowadays.

2008-02-17T18:14:00.001+08:00

'Your reason and your passion are the rudder.. and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burn to it’s own destruction.'

-Kahlil Gibran

2008-02-11T22:20:00.001+08:00

i am driven.

like the blood-pumping adrenaline of rollercoaster rides in themeparks. like the feeling you get in concerts of bands you would die for. like the rush of caffeine and formulas and concepts at three in the morning. like how i smile when i am sure i know how to get the answer in item number one, letter c. like how words from someone mean so much, like how my own words do the same to others who listen.

and though failure, disappointment, anxiety, and additional burden are such intense words, i stop and remind myself that contentment, experience, success, strength, and integrity are inasmuch, the same and probably, more significant at most.

so i remain ambitious and steadfast, remain impulsive yet vigilant. for there are many chances, many sides, and many decisions laid out in front of me and everybody else; and i chose this path for myself.

2008-02-07T11:07:00.001+08:00

this is where i decide.

between the after-exam-aftermaths, general assembly preparations, conversations and lists in a dinner late in the evening. i try to make sense of it all--the importance of dreams, of responsibility and practicality that streches out into the real world, the constant need for time and rest. and i wonder if it would be too soon, or too late to discern such in a small period of time. i weigh what would hold most of my regret, and i ask myself: what would i miss?

this is where i need to hear it the most: the frail but unmistakable whisper inside my head amidst the loud echoing voices of the people around me. this is what i need to do alone, before saying anything else--before doing anything else.

think.

2008-02-02T13:31:00.001+08:00

i feel it creeping in at two-thirty in the morning, after quietly locking the door behind me and turning on the lights. i hear it whisper in silence past the cars and trucks down below. and i find myself sitting down instead of creeping between sheets and into dreams, i find myself hands clasped, staring outside at the silhouette of buildings and the windows with their faint yellow-white lights, thinking, remembering, and tracing my steps, wondering why this feeling suddenly appears to clench my heart cold.

and taking a deep breath, i tell myself to get some sleep and wait for the sun's light to penetrate through the window. wait for the fog to clear and my mind's waters to calm itself to stillness. that there is no rush here like the sands of the hourglass emptying into a void below, with no way of even grasping a single grain. that there is no need to push or pull myself back from anything. and then i assure myself beyond the doubt or certainty of it all, that where i stand right now, is where i am supposed to be.

2008-01-25T09:33:00.000+08:00

i used to have that growing fire in my heart, the way a small match could light up the black ink of night. and in the different corners of different rooms, it used to give hope emitted by a faint warmth that was never to burn or hurt anyone. it gave other people something to believe in--it gave me something to believe in.

i've seen it die countless of times, as every fire has its last breath of ember and smoke. and consumed by doubt, hesitation and fear, i find it hard to strike a match again. i find it harder to look inside for the kind of passion that touches people's hearts and make them have faith in something called life. why we all breathe and hurt and love and do the things we do. why our lives depend on the chances we take and leaps of faith, and why we start dying when we turn our backs from everything. why all these depend on what we want for ourselves and what we really think we deserve more than anything else.

and i wish and pray and hope for it. hope that someday soon, i'll be able to understand the reason why the last flame died inside my chest. pray that it would be brighter when i find it again, as the sun with the cloudless sky gives a feeling of freedom and clarity to anyone who would take their time to stop and breathe it all in. wishing that this time, the light would stay longer, burn longer, and live longer.

2008-01-22T22:34:00.000+08:00

now here i go again.

2008-01-19T05:56:00.002+08:00

i almost can't describe what it felt like.

the bright lights of yellow, green and blue. guitars clashing, the drums and voices echoing through the four walls of the tent, seeing the bands work their magic through the crowd, seeing people be so absorbed in listening to the music and lyrics all night--seeing something that lights in people's eyes. i could honestly say, it was all worth it. every blood, sweat and tear shed--just everything.

and having someone take their time to thank you knowing that yes, i somehow helped make a difference in their Friday night, that was just additional icing to the whole cake.

thank you, for those who supported the event. the volunteers, friends, and even those i didn't know. thanks for the bands for their undying love to share their music to the world (April Morning Skies, Fireplace Letters, Kastigo, The Dawn, Callalily). thanks to those who danced, modeled and hosted. thanks to God for the strength and passion in those four months.

i can't wait to do that again.<3

2008-01-16T20:55:00.000+08:00

karma. karma. karma.

and i got the half-bad side of it. SIGH.

status: currently sick and stressing out.

Godhelpme.

2008-01-15T20:47:00.000+08:00

So here's the deal:

Rock Up the World Concert by 60th and 62nd ENG

featuring bands like, THE DAWN, Soapdish, Callalily, KASTIGO, April Morning Skies and many more!

tickets are sold at 200. inclusive of free entrance at Prince of Jaipur (Fort Boni) with free drinks! (who'd not want that eh?)

this isn't just a concert. it's a benefit concert regarding environmental issues (specifically trees). we empower each individual to take action through this event. every ticket you buy equals a tree named and planted after you, or someone you love or hate or whatever. so if you love your trees, rock it up with this concert and show your support!

2007-12-16T18:25:00.002+08:00

so it's been about weeks of staying up late at night to study for majors that get harder ever term. weeks of doing projects and papers that make me forget everything else. i take my anxiety at midnight, hold it up in a bottle and drink to forget even for a little while. my last finals for this term ended a few days ago and i can say that i did my best somehow--that i didn't resign to submission or failure though there were days when i wish i did. and there's no regretting it now. it's done and all i have to do is wait, though sometimes it's what's hard to do.

2007-11-24T16:33:00.001+08:00

And there's a chill in the air that makes people long for the summer warmth. a stream of bright lights and nostalgic Christmas songs that echo their way through the night. and people smiling, excited for the holidays. and i wonder how many other people feel like this on the inside, as if the sadness of it all just gets worse.

2007-10-22T20:01:00.001+08:00

and i wonder why--for someone like me who has been constantly afraid of it--the glow of the sun did not hurt my eyes as i welcomed the brilliance of the light to flood into the four corners of the room.

strange. but maybe, not at all.

i want a Four-Leaf Clover too.

2007-10-12T19:09:00.001+08:00

she walks alone, clogs echoing through the night
the distant screeches of cars lulling her to dream
of a better life, AN EASIER ONE
only the faint yellow lightposts and empty store lights
that guide her through cracks and holes in the concrete
for countless nights it became
a familiar companion, a quiet witness
she walks slowly, hesitating
not sure where to go
no phone lines or street signs
or people telling her "this is where you need to be"
she walks alone, and the night covers this all

2007-10-07T18:37:00.000+08:00

To Do List:
1. Rock Up the World Concert.
2. National Electronics and Media Convention.
3. Analcom, Advelin, Cocirfu & Elcitwo [and the three lab counterparts]. Three words: Supposedly Nerd Mode.
4. CPR on this one-month dead blog.
5. Other non-academics and non-work stuff that i have to fix. In short, the rest of my life.

Go me.

2007-09-19T20:16:00.001+08:00

it's just AMAZING how music drowns everything out.

2007-09-08T21:49:00.001+08:00

so i told my friend, "you oughta start fixing things."

and i wish someone would just take the time, grip me by the shoulders and shake me awake from my spells of drift-ness that comes ever so often nowadays and tell me that: just tell me that i should start fixing things--that i should start fixing my life.

but how can someone do that when they're starting to lose their reason for things?

2007-08-19T22:33:00.001+08:00

sometimes, people need the recognition that something or someone important is fading away, before they do something drastic.

that's just the way it is, Mondy.

2007-08-14T12:59:00.001+08:00

i think it's not wrong at all.

it's not wrong to be honest even if we live in a world that is layered and coated in secrecy and in lies. or to be honest with a self that has resigned to hiding or running away from chances thrown in the tides of circumstance.

i think it's not wrong to be mistaken about expectations. or to welcome a change of mind--or heart.

and i think it's not wrong to be sorry, or to be confused about certain things and certain people. but it is wrong to linger on it much without wanting to give credit where it is due.

in the rush of things--of finals, due projects and papers, of people coming in and out of other people's lives, above the gray clouds that only spell rain, i am seeing things in a slower and better light. and instead of being dragged by the leash in a fast forward pace of living in the slice of the real world, my clogs are clicking softly with the pavement as i take my time to see changes and accept its coming.

and i guess i'm not wrong for doing that.

2007-08-13T10:27:00.000+08:00

i'm a big fan of concerts for a real cause.

so there's this one, a benefit concert sponsored by 60th Eng of De La Salle University in partnership with Clean Up the World Foundation (http://www.cleanuptheworld.org/): Rock the World, Clean it Up Concert. It's scheduled on the 22nd of September (right after the Fall Out Boy concert which is on the 21st) at The Rockwell Activity Center. There're probably tickets, which aren't available yet, but i'll be posting it here again for some more updates on the bands and stuff.